This is the first word that comes to mind when I think about my new diagnosis. The second word is "horseshit", a favorite of my dad's. I was so pissed off last night, I threw a few pillows and a Kleenex box. I didn't even brush my teeth, even after my husband's gentle coaxing. I was going to show the cancer who's boss by swearing, avoiding my nightly dental routine, and throwing an object that is made up entirely of feathers. I am such a hard ass. I mean seriously, should I join the army rangers? Maybe sign up to be a navy seal? You can just sign up for that, right?
So now that the anger has subsided and I'm left alone with myself and my thoughts, I think I have to find some other ways to show the cancer that I am the boss, not it. Here are some of my thoughts, and I'm totally up for other suggestions.
1. I need a new image for the stupid cancer in my lymph node. If the breast tumor was slimer, should the lymph node tumor be the alien from aliens? Or perhaps another ghostbusters character? Or maybe flotsam or jetsam from the little mermaid? Regardless, it's out of me, so I'll have to imagine it in a petry dish slowly deteriorating into nothing, which is really what it is... NOTHING! (pillow flies across the room, feathers everywhere)
2. I want to lean on my friends and family. People have been asking us what they can do for us. Well, one thing you can do is come over and play cards with us and maybe bring us a bottle of wine or some ginger brew. The refreshments are totally optional, but the cards are not. I am really good and I need to play at least 1 hour per day or I get the shakes.
3. Use the next 6-7 months as a time to be around the people who are most important to me and Seth. If you are reading this, it's probably you. I mean, seriously, I want to be sick of seeing you by thanksgiving. Desmin and Jack, our most frequent visitors, have done so much for our mental state just by sitting with us and watching American Idol or Top chef. This could be you! But you have to invite yourself over and I mean it! (Kleenex box...destroyed)
4. I'm going to try to eat only foods that support my body in destroying the cancer. If you see me eating a twinkie, it's up to you to knock me over and replace it with some cherries or a flax seed milkshake. If I'm confrontational, vicodin should do the trick.
5. Make bald beautiful. I want to do a photo shoot when I lose my hair. Seriously, I want to employ all the artists and film makers and photographers that I know and do an art installation about balding. I think I could look totally hot bald. I have a really nice shaped head, if I do say so myself. Maybe I'll even make a music video portraying Sinead O'Connor singing "Nothing Compares to You". This could be so fun! Maybe I'll shave my head tonight! Or maybe not... If you are interesting in participating or have additional ideas for the "Bald is Beautiful" art installation, you can email me or call me. If you think it's stupid idea, or you don't think bald is beautiful, I DON'T CARE. (I don't brush my teeth for 10 days and get 13 cavities)
So, all that said, I will be cured of this thing. I have total faith in myself and my husband and all of my friends and family. I have faith that God only gives us what we can handle, and he's obviously letting me know that he thinks I'm a rock star.
I love you all. Please come over and play cards.