If you have read my other blog entries, you know I recently started meditating. It’s actually more like using positive mental images as tools to aid in the healing process. I woke up early on Saturday morning, threw on my ear buds and began to concentrate. I was asked by a woman with a very soothing voice to start imagining a place of total peace. As an eager and open participant of the process, I obediently thought of my honeymoon, laying on the beach with Seth and listening to the ocean. I could feel the sand underneath me and the warm Mexican air on my cheek. Easy enough, I have a great imagination; just ask my husband or my mother. My next task was to picture the cancer in my body. She asked me to imagine it as weak and confused. Then I was to imagine my white blood cells as strong and indestructible. No problem there, my cancer is weak and confused, and in my mind, looks like slimer from the ghost busters. My white blood cells are wearing tiny red capes. No big deal. Then, she asked me to imagine myself healthy and cancer-free and, of course, I pictured myself with washboard abs, running along the beach in a sports bra. The next mental image was harder for me to conjure. She wanted me to imagine my dreams for the future. I was stuck. Of course I want to have a family, maybe a buy a house, go on some big vacations, but are those things dreams or goals? Don’t most people want that?
Then I thought about what my answer would have been 15 years ago. I would have said that I wanted to be a successful film actor, who could run off to New York to appear on Broadway on a whim. I would be accepting an academy award by the age of 35, living with my husband in L.A in our 8 bedroom bungalow on the beach. Of course, I live with the man of my dreams, so I got that part right, but what happened to all the illusions of grandeur? I can remember wanting to be a doctor or a lawyer or an actress when I “grew up”, so what do I want to be now that I am grown up? What are my dreams for the future? After I get through all this cancer nonsense, I’m going to figure it out. In the meantime, I’m going to practice my Oscar speech.