Friday, April 10, 2009

National Lampoon's Chemo Vacation

Sick. I know. I apologize.

Funny story...

(The story takes place in an office, Monday morning, let's say three o'clock, in the summer of 2006. Erica, a young vibrant actress, types mechanically, looking bored. Her face lights up as she suddenly has an idea. As she pulls up her Internet browser and furiously types in "Craigslist. com", she picks up the phone and dials her best friend Robyn, an equally self-actualized woman of the city, at work. Robyn answers. Their conversation goes as follows)

Robyn: "____ Investments, this is Robyn!"
Erica: I have an idea.
Robyn: What's your idea?
Erica: I'm going to quit my job... and become an nanny.
Robyn (treading cautiously): Erica, why do you want to be a nanny?
Erica: I think it would be so much fun! Especially if I could get cool parents as employers.
Robyn: Erica, exactly how are you picturing yourself when you become a nanny?
Erica: Well... I picture myself in a park somewhere. Definitely on a blanket. A baby gently coo-ing beside me as I read some like "Weathering Heights".
(They explode with laughter)
Robyn: I knew it.

So, I'm officially out of a job (ask me about it sometime). I'm not planning on getting another one until, oh I don't know, mid October. I have so much time on my hands, I can't wait! Oh shoot. I have to do chemotherapy. I KNEW there was a catch. Blasted! I've already planned out my entire summer! These are a few things I'm planning on doing, during chemo, in sickness and health.

1. Becoming a savvy, smart decorator. I have a lot of books and all day access to HGTV. I'm already thinking about stenciling something in our bedroom or recovering an old piece of furniture with recyclable fabric.
2. Getting lots of beach time. I'd like to watch the sun rise in the morning while I'm scribbling furiously in my journal. Note to self: buy a journal.
3. Learn how to garden or at least be able to identify different types of flowers. I have neither a garden nor garden tools. So maybe I just want to buy flowers and place them sporadically throughout my apartment. (see #1)
3. Learn Spanish and Italian. They're both Romance languages, right? Piece of Cake.
4. Take up canoeing. One time, I canoed in North Carolina in the ocean. I heard it's like riding a bike. (winget)
5. Become Susie Homemaker. This is how I see it: I'm wearing an apron, flipping pancakes and making coffee for Seth, as he sits down at the breakfast table with his morning paper. (He hates pancakes and he calls his i-phone his morning paper) When he leaves for work, I start one of my many projects, such as the table I'm going to stucco or mosaic, until I'm ready to make something healthy and delicious for dinner. I'm sure the recipe will be from the Natural Health magazine my mother-in-law bought me. I'm positive about that.
6. Oh, I almost forgot! I'll be meeting my friends out for coffee (green tea) constantly.
7. I will re-organize our file cabinet so that all you have to do is think of the piece of paper you are looking for, and it will appear.
8. I will learn a magic trick that allows me to complete task number 7.
9. I will have in-home spa days using ingredients such as lavender oil, organic sugar, sunflower oil, and rhubarb.
10. I will read all the cancer books everyone has given me, in addition to the six I checked out from the library. I will also read all of the Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings books. Scratch that. I will re-read all of the Twilight books. I love vampires.

I've got a busy summer ahead of me!

If you think I'm kidding, then you should know that these are the things that run through my brain on a daily basis. I totally forgot to schedule the chemotherapy and radiation in my busy, busy summer. I also forgot to schedule the resting portion of my recovery.

I need to find the "pause" button in my brain. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know.


  1. decorating, gardening, mosaic-ing, modge-podging are all things on my list too!! Let's do it together. Oh, except I will have to work monday - friday. Well, maybe we can at least talk about all of our ideas together and never do them. I mean...we will totally do these things. And maybe now's the time you should look into that nanny thing...? You can take that baby with you while you watch the sun rise and write in your journal - the baby will most likely just sit next to you coo-ing and smiling. It will be glorious.

  2. Hi, it's me Robyn here to clarify something - I wrote that comment above - although I'm on Cliff's computer and I guess I was signed in as his theatre company - Sandbox theatre project - but it was me, and is me in this comment too. The End

  3. erica...have you read "animal, vegetable, miracle?" it's not as delicious as the twilight series but its all about healthy eating and i swear it has changed my life. let me know if you ever want to borrow it!

  4. so i'm thinking about getting "not just a pretty face". have you read it?

  5. I watched Mary Poppins yesterday after my Easter Bloody Mary/Mimosa combo, and you's a little scary.

  6. I think you will do all those things, actually. But maybe get a really great netflix queue ready in case you want to chill out.