Thursday, July 23, 2009

I just finished chemo and all I got was this lousy t-shirt

It's over... I'm finally done. I made it through 4 months of chemotherapy. I should be elated, ecstatic, and other words beginning with "e", but I'm more scared than ever. When your oncologist looks at you and says, "Ok, you're all done! See you in two months", that should be comforting, right? No more IV's and bruising, no more wearing frozen gloves and slippers for 4 plus hours, and most importantly, no more wicked side effects. Truth be told, the chemo made me feel safe. Not that I could do this forever, because I'm not sure I'd last one more treatment, but I love the fact that I had a team of the best and brightest monitoring my every move. Now, I'm on my own, left to my own devices, hoping that the chemo worked well enough to kill any random cancer cells. Oh, and to top it off, my Doc says to me, ever so nonchalantly, "You'll have to come back for a bone density and fully body scan after your done with radiation, just to make sure your all clear." (She also said that she has every confidence that I'm completely clear... I just wanted to be dramatic.) That's the line that kept me awake last night, tossing and turning until finally, at 4am, I got out the old i-pod and did something I haven't done in months... I meditated. I had relied meditation heavily during the months preceding my treatment, but abandoned it the second I started. I can't really explain why, but I did. Now I have to get in the habit of using my body and my mind to combat my fears and my doubts, instead of a bag full of red liquid and an IV. Come to think of it, I like the trade off.

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